Friendship vs Politics
I have a problem that you may have faced. An old friend that I have known for over 30 years. Someone I have coffee with several times a month. History; we started playing racket ball at least once a week and continued for nearly a decade. Age and the fact he moved about 20 miles further north, ended the sports time. Even after the move we would still meet and have coffee occasionally. Just guy, family talk, life in general stuff - nothing heavy. Cordial and friendly stuff. Seldom did we delve into anything heavy or politics, he being a republican and now an adamant Trump supporter.
His disappointment and contempt was obvious when Obama was elected.
I have always known that there was a bias in much of his thinking with characteristic comments about woke and immigrants / blacks. He being part of a generation that fostered such. Also a love for guns; having many.
Very recently I ask, “knowing what you see/know now, would you vote for Trump again? A troubling “yes” was stated emphatically. I said that I though Trump was a madman with only self-interest.
I was willing to let the friendship go quietly at this point. Unusually, three weeks went by with no contact for coffee. Just this past week he made contact and it was my intention to see if his thinking had changed with recent events; corruption, war, gas, inflation.
Not long into today’s guy/BS stuff, he proceeded to describe a person (guy) at his market, long hair, some makeup, female style glasses and jewelry; obviously what we know as presenting female/transgender. Much denigration proceeded and a statement that he would change checkout lines to avoid this person.
Stunned, I remained silent, quite taken back wondering how he could avoid my obvious changes to an androgynous look over the years. Was he actually calling me out and using someone else to make his point?
My plan before was to just let the friendship drop. The easy option. How I see the need to express my indignation. How can I accept this without saying something? No longer can I call someone a friend that has such deep-seated bias. Change his mind; not going to happen. However, I can no longer sit in silence with someone with this level of intolerance and not speak. A hard decision!
Now the attitude is not political, but personal. I know, why did wait so long...
Have you faced a similar situation? What did you do?
I have the same issue with my 88 year old mother. I can’t just burn that bridge, I do have Christian values and that goes against one of the 10 commandments. She knows my views, we don’t discuss. Saving our statements for the voting booth.
ReplyDeleteWow - That is close to home
DeleteI Have an out, fully transitioned transwoman friend who is as Trumpy as they come. You never know what goes on in people's minds, but the gun thing seems to me to be the big key.
ReplyDeleteDon't just walk away. That will change nothing. Clearly state your opinion. let him know his statements personally hurt you, his friend after all. Then the ball is in his court. Sometimes people can be amazingly clueless until their nose is rubbed in it.
Thank you - good suggestion.
DeleteRhonda, I think "Anonymous" makes a very poignant point regarding people that can be "amazingly clueless." So, it might be up to you to see if your views can wake him up. I have a similar issue to yours but it's not trans related. Instead, I am the member of a plastic modeling club where nearly every other member is a Trump supporter, but more troublesome are the bigoted views so many of them want to vocalize. I'm finding it so hard to continue as a member of the club because I am so opposed to those views. The club's main focus is plastic modeling, but in a social setting political views always come up. I'm not sure what to do, myself.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Sally
The truth will set you free! One way or the other. Free to express your opinion. Or free of a bias (sometimes) friend.
ReplyDeleteWith many people, tribal loyalty overrides common sense. A few years ago (before covid) I met a trans woman sill living with her wife. When they moved to upstate New York, the prejudices of the people she wanted to worship with overrode her being accepted. And yet, she wondered why? She couldn't see the obvious issue - she was trans, and her tribe rejects trans people.
ReplyDeleteAnother trans person I know couldn't renew her passport with an "F" gender marker, as Trump pretends that trans people must live in the closet and suffer the indignities that her tribe dumps on her. Yet, she couldn't vote for any Democrat that supported TG's having rights simply because of the propaganda she watches on Fox.
In both cases, their tribal loyalty overrode common sense, and will likely continue to do so until the day they die. It's a F'ing shame that our species has evolved from minimally thinking apes who had no idea of what blind tribal loyalty combined with the Dunning-Kruger effect could do....
Hello Rhonda, Your situation with your friend is a classic human society one. These kinds of conundrums have been going on since ancient times, and they do not look to be ending any time soon at least not until we all become Vulcans (like Mr. Spock of 'Star Trek'). The perhaps unfortunate reality of human beings is that we/they are, or can be, complex and nearly paradoxical in their characteristics. I know a very nice, thoughtful, generous woman who is a Trump/MAGA supporter. I cannot understand how she can be so, but there it is. When I try to discuss my view of the world, as a liberal, she just does not seem to understand how I can have such views. Half of our country voted for him, and the other half voted for Kamala. There it is. Should you stop being friends with the person you describe? There is no easy answer to that. If it were me, I would pull back, be less engaged, less friendly with this person, and let it fade away, but that's just me. Good luck with it. P.S. Your web page is/has been a wonderful place to enjoy the life we so much seek. Best to you. Marissa in Ohio.
ReplyDeleteI don't get most of this . To use an old saying "loose lips sink ships". If 2 people are on the opposite sides of the political spectrum why do you even have the need to go there? There are 325M + folks in this country so do really think your verbal battle makes a difference.? Until she died I had a good friend who didn't hesitate to fire away if somebody crossed her or disagreed with her. We had an agreement that politics etc. was just off limits as we disagreed 100%. Even though we both had strong views we never broke the bond-got along great and I truly miss her.Plus judging someone as a person by their views is wrong and arrogant. Go that way and maybe the next step is religion,air pollution or heaven forbid the Miami Dolphins
ReplyDeleteIf I were you I would purchase multiple Melania Trump - inspired outfits. Then see if he has something to say about them - & if he does - you can call him a Trump hater - then storm out of your lunch date! ;)
ReplyDeleteIn the end, the question boils down to whether you want to nuke a 30 year friendship because of one issue, admittedly significant, where you disagree?
ReplyDeleteI had a friend like yours, met him for a chat most weeks, we didn't agree on everything but that's not the point. He died just under a year ago and I'm coming to realise how much I miss him. Life is too short to be ruled by differences of opinion.
It sounds like your friendship is deep enough for you to be able to be open and frank with him. You'll either win him over (which is a win), agree to steer clear of this particular issue (which is a truce) or he won't budge (which at least will be his decision, not yours).
Online friendships are ultimately illusory. Real world friendships are to be treasured and protected so please at least give it a chance.
Amanda, Thank you. A very good point.
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