I am a trans woman and not a real woman

 BY: Shizuka Sterns Morishita

Shizuka Sterns Morishita

My Note:  WOW! This one should set off some alarms bells.  And it did.  Read her follow up here: I Am A Trans Woman: Take 2

______

I’ve been thinking after that piece I wrote about Brittney Griner, the feedback given and doing a lot of research on the science of transition, trans issues and especially how conservative pundits like discrediting any real information (happens on the left too all the time). People who are trans, who unfortunately use transition as a mockery and parody like Dylan Mulvaney, bizarre as in the case of Jeffrey Marsh, outright dangerous as pseudo trans predator Chris Chan, or those uncomfortable with themselves using opposite gender pronouns without therapy making really strange TikTok videos, brings forth my own gender dysphoria. I went to bed last night after watching a lot of videos from both sides of the issue over several days, including right wing bigots like Matt Walsh, as well as interviews with various transgender women in Thailand, I fought the urge not to tear up. The lack of humanity, courtesy and decency expressed, particularly from the right exacerbate feelings that I think would be on an even keel for myself if the community and tenor of the scene online were not so toxic.

My dysphoria particularly manifests when I see either trans women or biological women with a body type I desire, I cannot stand the fact I have a pronounced shadow after shaving, and look forward to when I move transferring my insurance so my insurance covers hair removal Before transition I had heavy chest hair I always thought was so ugly, ditto arm and leg hair — — that’s natural, everyone grows it but it feels not right for me. I also wonder if 10 or 20 years down the line, will HRT wreck my body? I’m looking at academic papers at the National Institute of Health about cancer risks, there are issues with bones, and blood as time goes on — granted I think genetic makeup has to do with HRT effects on the body, right now I’m fine but I wonder about the future. I will never get bottom or facial feminization surgery because the risks are too great. For sure the fact I do have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair and how cerebral palsy effects me have limited how my body language can emulate femininity to a degree. I mean if I didn’t have the disability I’d be to express the body language better, there’s a few things I’ve adopted like sitting posture, but my late mother said I always sat that way, but I roll (no pun intended) with what I can do.

I am a trans woman and not a real woman. That’s the reality. What do I mean by that? Although I am on hormones three years this summer and now have secondary female sex characteristics I am biologically male and always will be as is every other trans woman in existence. Although sex and gender are two separate things, gender is coded at birth in the brain but for whatever reason I’ve always learned towards feminine. I’m not sure why, it just happened that way, I always felt more comfortable with women, when I was a child and teenager all my friends were girls. Listening to Buck Angel interview Mina Caputo, she is INCREDIBLE and refreshing.

I may never be viewed as a woman by many and that’s ok. Is my long hair, wearing makeup and clothing a costume? Perhaps in the minds of some. I am not an autogynephile or cross dresser, I am trans woman different from a woman. I do not get a sexual rush putting on my clothes or makeup, it just feels natural. However there are things a biological woman goes through I will never understand. I will never have a period, give birth or have an idea of the trials some women go through growing up. That said, having spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, I have an idea in a different sense having gone through barriers continuing to the present. I am a trans woman, a different category, living my truth but I do go through hell every day knowing I’m not a biological woman. I wish I was; but I am not and that’s ok. I could have been content pre transition being a feminine man who likes watching combat sport, into hi-fi stereos, collects jazz CD’s, makeup, clothes, and knowing I had that diverse interest set but I never did feel presenting as a man, ever.. 

I always wanted to be born a woman. I’m ok being a trans woman and realizing that’s just a different category.