Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Why ask Why?

About 1990

So the question “Why?”  There appears to be no a satisfactory answer. There are theories that make sense especially the one that discusses prenatal medical treatments  resulting in hormone imbalances.  There are theories that point to pleasurable triggers.  But I have finally come to the conclusion that I may be asking myself the wrong question.

If I wanted to find a cure for my transgender activities, finding the cause would be an important first step.  However, there is no cure and this is not an illness.  Why ask why?  If I were to say that my transgender activities caused by psycho sexual stimuli which were eventually supplanted by a complex of secondary stimuli, would I feel any difference?   Would I sleep better at night?  Or - would I still have trouble finding lipstick and nail polish which go with a my dusty rose knee length knit dress?

The idea that I am driving at is: My transgender activity is something, which defines who I am.  It is a deeply ingrained part of my personality and it is not going to go away.  It gives me a more complete sense of self; I feel more like me.

I no longer ask myself why.  However, here are some alternative questions I occasionally ask myself:
Early on why did I feel so guilty and so cautious going out in public?  Why did I hide it, especially from the ones I love? 
Why didn't I find solace sooner?  When is Bloomingdale’s going to have another sale on women's dress pumps?

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