So the question “Why?” There appears to be no a satisfactory answer. There are theories that make sense especially the one that discusses prenatal medical treatments resulting in hormone imbalances. There are theories that point to pleasurable triggers. But I have finally come to the conclusion that I may be asking myself the wrong question.
If I wanted to find a cure for my transgender activities, finding the cause would be an important first step. However, there is no cure and this is not an illness. Why ask why? If I were to say that my transgender activities caused by psycho sexual stimuli which were eventually supplanted by a complex of secondary stimuli, would I feel any difference? Would I sleep better at night? Or - would I still have trouble finding lipstick and nail polish which go with a my dusty rose knee length knit dress?
The idea that I am driving at is: My transgender activity is something, which defines who I am. It is a deeply ingrained part of my personality and it is not going to go away. It gives me a more complete sense of self; I feel more like me.
I no longer ask myself why. However, here are some alternative questions I occasionally ask myself:
Early on why did I feel so guilty and so cautious going out in public? Why did I hide it, especially from the ones I love? Why didn't I find solace sooner? When is Bloomingdale’s going to have another sale on women's dress pumps?