By: Janet L. Stickney
|Janet L. Stickney|
The images jump to my minds eye clearly. All of the fears and joys of these early years. Since I alone am the editor of my dreams, I'm probably selective about what I chose to remember, but all of the fears of discovery and the breaking of the social taboo's, along with the self rejection linger on, like a self imposed exile. We all have the power to transport ourselves to the wonderland where all of our fantasies and greatest adventures come true. They call us, we cultivate the possibilities, and cherish the dreams of what might come true, as well as what could happen. Wishes and desires, possibilities, and hopes, all clashing against the reality of life.
When we are first compelled to dress in feminine clothing, either moms or a sisters, there is no thought. It is simply a compulsion that we cannot refuse. If we try to ignore it, it beats on our mind until we can no longer resist and we fall prey to the lure of the feminine, and it grows from there on. Some of us are consumed by the "new" person we have created. We give her a name, we cultivate her by creating a fantasy in our mind, then we set her free. The late night stroll is the beginning, then the mall which is a popular spot because there are so many people there that all look different, and maybe, you'll fit in.
For some of us our epiphany comes when we leave the safety of our home and venture out, trying to prove that we can become the female we try to look like. But once we succeed in that small venture we cannot refuse to keep pushing the limit, testing our ability to become that girl once again. Time after time we expand our limits, joining a clubs, visiting a night club and so on. For some of us we eventually reach the point where we simply do not care if someone reads us. For some of us we become so confident of our presentation that we always fit in because it feels natural. For real girls it isn't something they think about. Their femininity is born in them while ours is acquired, or not.
For me I always wanted to be a normal girl like everyone else. Some of us like being housewives, or maids, or sissies, or something else. None of which is bad but some of our choices preclude most avenues of display since you would almost surely be called out in public, and that can be very bad, even dangerous. Of course, there are many shops that sell overpriced and sometimes awful items that purport to make you look like your favorite celebrity, usually modeled by a skinny Asian kid that is all but female to start with, but usually you cannot turn a 40 year old man into a 22 year old ingenue no matter what the ad says. Some of us are too tall, physically too big, (me) and while we can dress up and get relief, we usually cannot become the girl in our fantasy. But we can become the girl of our reality.
Almost all of the girls that succeed are more often than not gorgeous yet average. Average looks, weight and complexion. Not flashy, not overdressed, and certainly not overly masculine looking. I myself am too big and always have been, but after I realized that, I became that average girl I mentioned. Yes, we all like to get extra dolled up for the party at the night club, but at the grocery store, maybe not so much. I am not a raving beauty, and at my age, (over 76) and after three minor strokes I cannot even wear heels any more and my hands do not always work either. Thats what my creator gave me, and it sort of sucks, but I get by, and like many women my age, they do not wear heels anyway, so its a draw. However, like I have mentioned before, I have had the pleasure of meeting many of our sisters over the years, and some of them suffer handicaps that limit what they can do. But every single one of them did their best and were proud of it. I certainly applaud them for their tenacity and beauty of spirit, which is of course what we all strive for. That beauty of spirit that allows us to overcome our limitations and succeed regardless.
If the image in your mind is vivid and fresh, I urge you to explore your inner girl. She will live with you for your entire life, so you need to know about her.
I am a crossdresser and always have been. What I am not, is a 'gurl' or 'trap'. Those terms are just new age nonsense promoted by those that have a teenage like mentality. Learn to spell or quit trying. End of rant.
Janet L. Stickney
Go in peace, then prosper
Jamet, Thank you so much for sharing your life's experiences. Many years ago, it was so liberating to find I was not alone with my feminine thoughts. For us to share our life's journeys brings ESCAPE from all those misguided years of shame, guilt and hiding. Our sisterhood is strong and needs to be documented.