My Note: Thank you Janet for sharing your outlook. A beautiful earned success story.
How is it that for so many of us, the very first time we tried on some item of feminine apparel we know. We know that our unknown path forward has changed, usually we do not know how the change will affect us or why, we just know it to be true. Time and age are constant, but the urges seem to grow stronger when we gain the age of understanding, normally in our teen age years. The brashness of our youth allowing us to assume that we can beat the odds and get all dolled up and nobody will know. That always fails and always lead to a consequence we may or may not have anticipated.
Some of us were blessed with mothers that did not care and let us do as we wanted, or some that willingly helped us achieve our goal of looking like a girl. For those with a modest build it can be less hard, but for those of us that are too big, too hairy, too obviously masculine, that desire is problematic. I had a mother that helped me, not a lot, but some, and when I was a teenager that was a big deal. Openness in the T community was just beginning and I rode the wave so to speak. I was going out when I was 15, and by the time I was 18 I had managed to go many places without any trouble, and since teenage girl are assumed to have a boyfriend, I had a friend who is a boy, and he was with me many times. He wanted a lot more than what he got.
But that is me, and many of our sisters did not enjoy that opportunity, and they suffered those lonely times alone as they sought out their inner girl in safety. Then, as time goes by jobs, family, and responsibilities gain momentum and our girl fades to the back, unless a party allows you to display her and you gain a few moments of bliss. Then we hide her again, from everyone except ourselves when she creeps into our dreams, demanding that we let her out yet again. Very few of us, regardless of what you may see online, actually give up everything, family, a job, friends and neighbors just to transition. A few manage to cope with all the changes but many cannot. I am one of those that could. I had the right kind of job, I had the ability and the money to make the transition but I elected to stay the way I am. Turned out to be the right decision for me.
I only speak for myself, but I was a founding member of one of the largest clubs for us in the country with up to 300 + members. I was the very first President and served as an officer until I retired. In that capacity I met many very nice people from all walks of life, and gained many friends. I am approaching the end of my time, and my only concern is that I can give hope to those that struggle. I know that I share that outlook with many of our sisters. As you evaluate your desires, do what you know is right, not that stupid thought that tries to gain your attention and can only lead to problems. There are many of us that manage to look age appropriate when we go out. I am in my mid seventies now, so becoming an ingenue is out. I'm more the nice looking grandma. I even have the silver hair now. That means that in order to go out and have a fun time, dress and act your age. That teen girl look on anyone who is not a teen is probably not going to work out well. Finger pointing and laughing is not what anyone wants.
For those of us that have suffered the pain and anguish of trying to avoid what we know is true. Failing, and then succumbing to it, when the night is darkest, the tears are flowing, and you find no solace in that cute red dress you have on, think of the joy your family, friends, children and your God bring you. If we let our devotion to our needs surpass them, we will have failed both them, and ourselves. They are our strength. Many of the descriptions are from my own road to understanding myself, and now, at last, peace. The shame, embarrassment, humiliation, and confusion are familiar to me, as maybe they are to you. I know they are weak descriptions, but trying to describe the essence of our being is like trying to describe the color magenta to a blind man. If I may, I will borrow and corrupt a phrase:
Go in Peace, then Prosper.
Janet Stickney
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