I am always amazed at my Power as a woman. I remember the first time I recognized it. I think I was still in my late 20’s and I was truly in the closet. When the opportunity arose, I would dress and sneak out of the house, get in the car and drive a few blocks to a quiet street where I would park, walk down the sidewalk, pretend to mail a letter in the big, blue, mailbox, and then walk back to my car, drive home, and go back inside. My “night out” was, at that point, over. Long before there were cameras at ATM’s I would also pretend to use them as an opportunity to exit the car and get out “among the living” as I was thinking back then.
Normally, I tried to do all of this totally by myself. If someone was at the ATM I would drive around until they left. I was afraid to be noticed and afraid of being examined too closely. One night I pulled up to the empty and quiet ATM and started to swing my legs out of the car when I realized a man was sitting in a car parked two spaces away and who had a perfect view of my exit. The strange thing…to me…was not that he was gawking at me thinking that he was seeing a man in a dress, but, rather, that he was watching a girl exiting a car and enjoying looking at her legs and shoes and maybe hoping for a peek at her knees as she got out of the car. While I was scared, I felt I had to continue or for sure I would be recognized as a sham, so I simply got out, straightened my skirt, got my purse and went over to the machine to do my “fake transaction.” When I finished, I turned around and realized that the man was still there and still looking. Although I wanted to just run away, I walked nicely back to the car, getting into the driver’s seat as gracefully as I could while not looking his way.
I could tell, for the first time, that the man enjoyed seeing what he was seeing and I enjoyed being the object of his attention. I was amazed by the Power I had to “make” men look at me. Later, I learned that I could even “tease” men with my clothes, and shoes and that men were powerless to not look. I explored my Power like an adolescent girl, wearing clothes that were too provocative, skirts that were too short, heels that were too high, and sweaters that were too tight, but always, with the intent of getting men to look at me.
Sometime in my thirties I realized that there were men who wanted me sexually. I realized that for some men, I was a turn on, and I could talk and cross my legs and they would look at my knees and get hard. I could laugh and tease them and make them want me. I was using my “Woman’s Power” to draw men to me. They got what they wanted and I got what I wanted.
Much later in my life, I started to have relationships with men. I started to have regular boyfriends who I would see on a recurring basis. It was fun being half of a couple. I enjoyed the female role immensely and realized that I could be a wife just like any other woman. I began to think about having a husband and I imagined what it would have been like to have had children and a family and to have been a mom. I didn’t think about this in a delusional state. I knew, and know now, that this vision is only a pipe-dream, but it was fun to think about and interesting to see how I felt about it inside. It was a new dimension to my Power.
Today, I dress conservatively, but with a little tiny bit of sexy flair that keeps men looking. I’ve learned to know what they like. If the skirt is above the knee, the top is not too open but it still shows off my C-cup breasts. If the skirt is at the knee, I might wear a blouse with an open button that reveals a little peek at my cleavage, or something with a conservatively scooped neck that shows a little skin. If the dress is long, say, ankle length, then the top is going to have a deep-vee that shows my cleavage and perhaps a spaghetti strap that puts my
shoulders and neck in view.
Last night I met my boyfriend at the bar for a drink before dinner. He is tall and handsome and gay…a truly rare combination! I sat at the bar with my crossed legs under the bartop. He, sat next to me, facing my side, with one leg under the bartop and one resting on the back lower rung of my stool. When I shifted my position to recross my legs the other way, I noticed he was looking at my knees and legs, obviously enjoying what he was seeing. He was telling me a funny story and he kept touching my arm and knee as he told the humorous parts. It was really sweet. He seemed to be somehow moving a little closer to me and I liked how that felt. When I turned toward him slightly, my crossed legs came in contact briefly with his leg. As I told my side of his funny story I gently brushed my leg into his inner thigh. He pushed back just a little so he could stay in contact. There were two women seated a couple of seats across from us and I could tell they knew just what was going on. I think at least one of them would have been happy to change places with me! We talked and flirted, and then he said, “are you hungry? Let’s go over to Renato’s for dinner!” I was thrilled and delighted.
As we walked out of the bar, he held the door open for me and then took my hand as we walked down the stairs to the valet station. I couldn’t have been happier...
The Power was still working!